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Saturday, June 4, 2005Message to the 5 people who read this...by: David I will regretfully no longer be updating The Whatever Files, but instead I am moving on to Facade of Americana. The site should be up and running soon. Because of the obsolescense of Grey Matter and my current host's database, I'm moving on to a hew host and blogging software. We'll see if Word Press really is much better than Grey Matter. And to commemorate the many months I spent updating, here are some strange and wonderous search engine referrals that led people to be here: Nicholas Swanson Dotted Divider Greymatter Boys wearing girl pants list of Polish-American atheletes Professional "apartment Rental Agency" san francisco colon cleansing mexico ("colon cleansing" is the second most popular referral) JENNY FINCH & CASEY DAIGLE chicago + hipsters hinske jays jew alicia rickter (this is the most common referral for some reason) and last but not least... jonathan brandis crossdressing posted @ 03:43 PM CST [link] [Karma: 31 (+/-)] Friday, April 29, 2005by: David I had to disable comments temporarily until I can find a good solution for the comment spam I keep receiving. Attn: comment spam people Kiss my ass. posted @ 11:17 AM CST [link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)] Wednesday, April 27, 2005Revisited...by: David It looks like he got bored with his own game. The last update to Bad Designs looks like it was made in 2004. I have been checking the site every few months to see what wacky adventures this Mike Darnell guy has been getting into lately, be it with a snazzy new can opener or a new non-user friendly box of cereal. I’ve always advocated making life as simple and convenient as possible, but a puzzle here and there is warranted, especially in a culture where just about anything is obtained pretty easily. In some cases you don’t have to get off your ass as long as there’s a computer in front of you. I’ve patronized such services as Peapod and Netflix because my life has grown increasingly inconvenient and I need to buffer that with relatively inexpensive full service operations. My life, however, hasn’t become so inconvenient that I can’t find the time to learn how to open a new kind of oatmeal box or to utilize a new design of stapler. I’m certainly not careless enough to mistake a bottle of motor oil for a bottle of cooking oil. I assure you that if a cooking oil came out that came in a translucent bottle rather than the clear plastic bottles that canola oil comes in, this guy will comment on it after discovering his car is smoking and smells like overcooked popcorn. In a fit of sarcasm one day I awarded a VVBA (Very Very Bad Award) to this website, but in retrospect, I actually enjoy this site, but in the same way that I enjoy watching Jerry Springer or various reality shows. It makes me feel good that there are some things out there that I do not understand, that I would rather not begin to understand. posted @ 11:10 AM CST [link] [Karma: 14 (+/-)] Thursday, April 21, 2005From my personal journalby: David Tuesday, April 19, 2005 Too much to chronicle today. I spent the weekend in California and, to a smaller extent, Mexico. But let me begin by talking about the plane ride going there. It started out fine. I was up and ready at about 4:30 AM since I had to drive all the way to Midway Airport and park in the "economy" lot. Please note that the term "economy" shouldn't be used to describe a parking lot if they charge as much as I had to pay to park there for 3 days. It's much like the concept of "economy class" airplane tickets. I don't consider it economy if you have to pay $300 for it. In this case I flew Southwest Airlines for the first time. Maybe I should have known this from the beginning, or at least asked, because I had no idea there were no assigned seats. Instead they break you up into three groups: A, B, and C. If you look at it in a Titanic way, A is the upper class, B is the not-so-upper class, and C is steerage. In this case, the steerage gets seated last, so if you're at the butt end of steerage, you end up sitting next to the unsavory people, or in my case between two really really fat people. I have no other way to describe them in words other than "really really fat". It's almost cliche. It's something that you would think would only happen on a Seinfeld episode, only less funny. At least it wasn't funny at the time. I would extract a few laughs when telling the story later on. I was literally squashed into a small portion of my own seat because of the folds of fat that were encroaching onto my space. If that wasn't bad enough, the woman, who was sitting on my left, fell asleep. She had no clue of the discomfort she would put me in when she fell asleep and slowly poured her way into my space. I could feel her pillowy body pouring over my arm like an overflowing vat of corn syrup (high fructose). I tried to demonstrate to others the position I was in. My arms were tucked awkwardly in front of my body like a halfway transformed transformer. To drive the point in further, I was planning on doing bills while on the plane but I couldn't move my arms. I was barely able to hold a book in front of me to read it. I propped the book against the tray table. I considered using my nose to turn the pages. I debated with my brother afterwards the problems with severely overweight people on airplanes. Should they pay for extra seats or should they have their own "roomier" seats at an extra charge. His argument was that since we pay by the pound to transport objects overseas, it should be the same with passengers. In other words the 50 lbs of extra fat the big person is carrying technically is the same as a less fat person checking an extra bag. We're not allowed to bring large baggage into the cabin, so why should extremely fat people be allowed to carry on the extra fat, especially if it encroaches on other peoples space and makes people less comfortable than they should be. Conversely, if someone wasn't fat but was just really big, they should be subject to the same rules. I wasn't sure about this. It seemed like watchdog groups would be all over that. I'm not a skinny person, but I'm willing to bet that most skinny people out there, regardless of their politics, deep down feel that they don't want to sit next to Jabba the Hutt on an airplane, especially in coach class. Now, I wouldn't have cared if I didn't have to be the monkey in the middle. But it was obvious that the two were together. I assumed they were married. This is what happens when two really really fat people get married. They go on airplanes and make people like me very unfomfortable. I understand and appreciate their rights to travel with the rest of society, but the least they could have done was sit together and given the smaller person the aisle seat. After all, they did know each other and were probably married, so I'm sure it would be less awkward for them to be squeezed together like two matzo balls rather than having both of them squeezing me between them. It's common courtesy. It also may have been common courtesy if they decided to take the Amtrak. Sure it takes two days, but at least they get their own compartments, and they get to view some beautiful scenery. I guess the moral of the story for me is if you're walking down the aisle of a Southwest Airlines flight, don't be too selective of who you sit next to. I admit I passed up the opportunity to sit next to some seedy-looking, yet smaller, people. This brings up a whole other debate which I will not get into at this moment: Would you rather sit next to a really really fat person or a smelly person. It also depends on what the smelly person smells like. posted @ 10:30 PM CST [link] [Karma: 11 (+/-)] Friday, March 25, 2005Finally, a steroid entry!by: David Friends are asking me why I avoided the whole steroid debacle the last few weeks. With the climax of spring training approaching, the steroid debate is thankfully dying down. Here are the reasons for my aparent apathy on this matter. 1. I haven't read Juiced, nor do I plan to in the near future. I can't go on what a million sports pundits say about Jose Canseco and his book unless I read it and judge for myself. 2. Every time I turn on the radio someone somewhere is talking about it. The MLB Home Plate on XM Radio debut was a few weeks ago, and they eat the subject up like sunflower seeds in the dugout. By the way, I suggest everyone tries XM Radio, but I suggest everyone stays away from MLB Home Plate unless you want to hear east coast bias that puts ESPN to shame. 3. Apparently the opinion of the average baseball fan doesn't matter, so why bother? I felt like going into a rant, but instead I'll give a suggestion. Ignore steroid use in baseball. When atheletes start having freakish injuries, get into fights, die at early age of enlarged hearts, maybe then players will realize the long term cost of hitting 70 home runs in a season. posted @ 10:57 AM CST [link] [Karma: 3 (+/-)] Thursday, March 24, 2005It's That Time Again '05by: David Last year I crashed and burned with my predictions on the 2004 baseball season. In fact, I was only right about three things: 1. The Houston Astros winning the wild card. 2. The Yankees winning the AL East. 3. The Yankees losing in the World Series. My biggest flaw was that I had the Cubs contending and I actually believed the Kansas City Royals were better than the Twins and White Sox. I've received my flogging in the form of the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series while I counted them out at the beginning of the season. Now the Red Sox are the hated Red Sox. They will be the team to gun for while the Cubs will be the team everyone thinks they will beat. I believe I was a bit overzealous after the 2003 season because I predicted what most perceived to be a long shot... that the Cubs will win the NL Central. If I may be not-so-bold, I decided to give this season's predictions, but I will be more realistic, thus earning the right to be smug at the end of the season. Here are David Gange's 2005 MLB predictions: 1. The Atlanta Braves will win the NL East again, while the Mets will be voted the most overrated team by All Star Break. 2. The NL Central will be taken by the Cincinnati Reds. There will be a 3-way tie for the wild card between the Cubs, Cardinals, Astros. 3. Arizona and Milwaukee will fight each other to avoid being the worst team in the NL. 4. San Francisco will win the NL West without Barry Bonds. 5. The AL playoff picture will be exactly the same as it was last season. 6. Sammy Sosa will be sidelined for two months after a violent burp that somehow injures his hamstring. 7. Bud Selig will be accused of using steroids. 8. Fever Pitch will will crash and burn during its opening weekend, despite selling out in Boston. 9. The Washington Nationals will change their name to "The Baltimore Nationals of Washington". Similary, the Florida Marlins will change their name to "The Atlanta Marlins of Miami", and the Pittsburgh Pirates will change their name to "The Bad News Bears". 10. Mark Prior and Kerry Wood will overcome their chronic injuries by using the Fusion Technique to combine and become Merry Prood. They will pitch 60 games, going 60-0 with an ERA of 1.02... and that's just at Super Saiyan Level 7. posted @ 09:20 AM CST [link] [Karma: 18 (+/-)] Friday, March 18, 2005St. Patrick's Day: The Aftermathby: David Not much to say here coming from a guy whose idea of drinking on St. Patty's day is ordering a Shamrock Shake at McDonalds. Who is St. Patrick anyway? The Patron Saint of cirrhosis? I don't know, and I won't apologize for not caring. I always lived in fear that the Irish look at Americans on their sacred day and laugh at the green beer, ridiculous plastic green hats, shamrocks, etc. Why would anyone use a religious figure as an excuse to get drunk and promote stereotypes about drunk irish people? For that matter, why don't we eat Polish Sausage on Casmir Pulaski day? St. Patrick was a slave boy in Ireland who escaped to Gaul and joined a monestary. He eventually returned to Ireland as a missionary and was a pest to the Druids, who found their numbers dwindling because of conversions to Christianity. He is said to have performed some miracles, like raising the dead from their graves and driving all snakes from Ireland. It is also said that he used the three-leaf clover to explain the Holy Trinity. Does Ireland really lack snakes? According to some sources they have no snakes or mosquitos. It sounds a lot like Hawaii without the pineapples. When a large Irish population made their way to America, their holiday followed. As with any celebration there was food, drink, celebration and dancing. Coloring of beer and the Chicago River came years later, I'm guessing. Drinking gallons of beer isn't necessarily an Irish thing unless it involves Guiness, Murphys, or some other typically Irish brew. This is why we don't typically wear green on New Years Eve, another excuse to get piss drunk. posted @ 12:15 PM CST [link] [Karma: -14 (+/-)] Friday, March 11, 2005It happened againby: David I was sitting in a bathroom stall at work. It was the middle stall, so I was flanked by two other toilets. On the right side, the toliet was being used. The user of the stall next to me flushes. I hear a gentle gurgling and a trickle of water onto the tiles. Suddenly, what can only be described as a flood of shit-water made its way under the divider and was rapidly approaching my shoes. I say 'rapidly' because even a slow-moving puddle of shitty water seems like a flash flood when you think about the muck and bacteria suspended in it. Luckily I was just about finished with my business, so I promptly held the legs of my pants up. I figured if shit water coated the soles of my shoes, it would be no different from walking along an average Chicago sidewalk. I finished up and pulled my pants up as the flood of ass-juice made its way across the stall and was slowly infiltrating the next one. The guy in the next stall was lucky. He had the drain. Unfortunately the flood had to cross my private space in order to get to it. Here's a little bit of information on the work toilets. They have a mechanism where one wouldn't have to toggle a handle in order to flush. They have motion sensors that do the trick to avoid getting microscopic traces of fecal matter on your skin. Because these motion sensors have varying sensitivity, some toilets tend to courtesy flush multiple times. The clogged toilet was an example. The toilet flushed two more times as more shit water coated the restroom floor. I just hoped the guy in the other stall knew it wasn't me who made the mess. After I washed my hands, out of curiosity I looked into the problem stall. I happened to glance upon what could only be scientifically described as a "huge fucking turd". I could only wonder what kind of rubber asshole could have accomodated this. But I knew my crap science. Mookie sticks tend to absorb water if left in the toilet too long, days or weeks, and can expand to unbelievably large proportions. Then again, I doubt this guy was sitting on the toilet for days or weeks unless he was reading a really good book. posted @ 12:51 PM CST [link] [Karma: 2 (+/-)] Thursday, March 3, 2005All I am going to say about this...by: David "...Santo should just thumb his nose at the elitist snobs and move on. He needs to let go before the disappointment kills him. And he needs to understand how inspirational he is to millions of people, in Wrigleyville and beyond, who see him hobble into the WGN radio booth in fading health because he loves baseball and the Cubs. The very reasons he should be in Cooperstown -- undying service to the game, along with Hall-worthy numbers -- are the very reasons he should elevate himself above the political fray and hold his head higher than his ballpark banner." I hate to quote Mariotti... 95% of the time I just can't get myself to borrow from him, but in this case I completely agree with him. The Veterans Committee have proved they can play baseball, write about baseball, talk about baseball, but they can't agree on who to put in the Hall. I don't know if prejudice is involved, but snobbery definitely is. ""I'm of the opinion it's going to be awfully hard, and maybe that's how it should be." Tom Seaver said that. I guess when you're already in the Hall it doesn't even matter anymore. It doesn't matter if your heart and soul represents baseball and it doesn't matter that you put up Hall of Fame numbers in your playing days. All that matters is that you need to be placed high on a pedestal by baseball elitists. Ron Santo tops many lists of people who are likely going to die next. It's better to keep your mouth shut than to give a guy false hope that his dream will be fulfilled before he dies. posted @ 10:34 AM CST [link] [Karma: 11 (+/-)] Monday, February 28, 2005Public Service Announcementby: David Credit checks will be available for free to everyone in the US eventually. Currently people on the west coast can get their annual credit report for free. Starting tomorrow (March 1) people in the midwest will be able to. I, of all people, have learned how important it is to have good credit, seeing as I don't have it. Other regions will have free credit reports available later this year: Southern States: June 1, 2005 Eastern States: Sept 1, 2005 Go here for more information. posted @ 08:52 AM CST [link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)] Thursday, February 24, 2005The Sosa Continues...by: David I heard the world's tiniest violin playing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" yesterday. At least that's what I thought I was hearing in the background during soundbites of Sammy's mini-press conference yesterday. He looks strange wearing orange instead of blue. He also looked strange being the same Sammy Sosa he was for the last 13 years as a Cub. This time I am more able to be an objective observer, rather than my judgement being clouded by Cubby blue. I never criticized Sammy until the 2003 season when his bat was corked. I believe I went through denial for a few hours before I finally proclaimed that Sammy should be traded to the White Sox for Magglio Ordonez. I remember being on the phone with a friend saying this, and also saying that we should get rid of this guy if we have to dump him and pay his salary. I was clouded again by playoff fanfare at the end of 2003 and somehow I loved Sammy again. Like many others I defended him on the cork incident. I convinced myself to believe his story about "accidentally" using the corked bat. After all, this is good old Sammy we're talking about. The guy who came up out of poverty in the Dominican Republic and became one of the most prolific hitter in history. More on that later... Most people would skip ahead to the end of the 2004 season, also known as "Sammy's next mistake". I see him making a few mistakes on the way. I defended Sosa during the slump of 2004, saying he'll eventually pull out of it. He didn't, and we all blamed Dusty Baker for not moving him out of the 3-hole and moving him down in the order to the 6-spot. After all, everyone in the middle of the order was doing better than he was, even the injured newcomer Nomar Garciaparra. Aramis Ramirez, Derek Lee, and Moises Alou all deserved to hit ahead of Sosa, but we all knew that he would throw a tantrum if anyone even suggested moving out of his 3-spot. Eventually Sammy had a heart-to-heart conversation with Dusty and agreed to move down. More on that later... Then comes the end of the 2004 season. Sammy takes off during the first inning, probably sealing his offseason fate. He then lied about leaving during the 7th inning, when security cameras show he left during the 1st. According to the Chicago Sun Times, Sammy says Baker gave him the OK to get the day off. There are a few inconsistencies here. Sammy was supposedly openly upset about being left off the starting lineup on that final game. Why would he be upset if he requested the day off? Why would he lie about the time he left when he believed he wasn't doing anything wrong? How many mistakes is that so far? Sammy claimed in an interview in Baltimore that he made two mistakes in 13 years with the Cubs. I see it differently. Here is the list. 1. Refusing to take a minor league rehab in 2003 after his toe injury. 2. Using the corked bat. 3. Not wanting to move down in the batting order. This may have turned the Cubs fortunes around early in the season, but Sosa did not want to be a team player. 4. Refusing to modify his swing and stop trying to hit unnecessary home runs with runners in scoring position. 5. Walking out of game 162 early. 6. Lying about walking out of game 162 early. In his interview, Sosa likened his relationship with the Cubs to a poverty striken Dominican Republic. He called Kerry Wood and Mark Prior liars for suggesting that the Cubs are better off without him. He claims Lee Mazzilli is the best manager he's ever had because Mazzilli always tells the truth and is confident in him. Sorry, but in Chicago when someone was honest with Sosa he would act hurt and pretend he doesn't understand. What phoniness would make him any different in Baltimore. I guess nobody would care if Baltimore has a winning record this season, and Sammy would have everyone in Maryland and DC mezmirized like he had us on the Northside. posted @ 10:40 AM CST [link] [Karma: 18 (+/-)] The Saga Continues... by: David I called my new landlord two days ago to find out if my apartment was ready for the walkthrough. It's less than a week from move-in date, and it's in the process of being painted and cleaned, but there is still some furniture belonging to the previous tennant. Let's call her Hong Kong Phooey. I met her briefly when I was viewing the apartment. She was a bit of a slob, but I'm guessing her things weren't in order because she was getting ready to move. I find out a week later that she already moved and I was ecstatic because that meant I would be allowed to move in early and get a head start on all the anal retentive prepping I was planning. I heard she left some belongings in there. No problem, right. She could just take a trip back to the apartment and pick her things up before I or the landlord takes ownership. The Latina landlady explains to me that she moved to Hong Kong. No worries, she assured me. "Someone" will be coming to pick everything up. Well, it's been two weeks. My move in date is this Tuesday. It really isn't a big deal seeing as I don't move any of my things in until the following weekend, gradually moving in for the next 2-3 weekends. Hong Kong Phooey better get her ass on the international dialing calling card and tell her friend to pick her crap up before I claim it as my own, in which case I hope it's a sofa. posted @ 09:55 AM CST [link] [Karma: 29 (+/-)] Thursday, February 17, 2005Reason #1000000 the U.S. legal drinking age is 21by: David Since I'm tired of aruging with people why the drinking age should stay where it is, I'll cite an example of why American youth culture is frightening when alcohol is involved. Last week, Nicholas Swanson was killed when students from a rival highschool mobbed him and hit him on the head with an empty beer bottle. According to authorities about 50 teenagers from rival Illinois schools St Charles North and Burlington Central were involved in the melee that ended a string of threats and harassment. Four teenagers were arrested over the incident, charged with mob action and felony charges such as aggravated battery. Here is a list of what is wrong with this picture, other than the obvious "kids making asses of themselves. 1. This all started over a girl being dumped. 2. The four teenagers who were arrested over this incident were 18 years old and had already graduated. 3. Swanson was 20 years old was reported to have been on the scene to help out his little brother who had called for his aid. 4. People are already blaming bad parenting, mass media, and video games for the incident. I only know from being a teenager that teenagers feed off of each other, and spread culture like mad cow disease. There's only so much parents can teach their kids about conflict resolution. There's only so much mass media can teach kids about not being idiots. Then again, I don't even think mass media really tries to teach kids how to act smart and how to make intelligent decisions. My biggest concern is why alumni were involved. As legal adults they had to act like they were still in highschool. And, of course, booze was involved. I can't say none of this would have happened if it wasn't, but there's no way to prove it now. As it stands right now, authorities have dropped mob action charges because they are seeking to go for more severe felony convictions like murder. Source: Chicago Tribune posted @ 11:29 AM CST [link] [Karma: -5 (+/-)] Tuesday, February 15, 2005Movingby: David I've learned my lesson in the last 2 weeks. Never go to an apartment rental agency. Don't be lazy. Search for apartments on your own, because it's almost not worth it. When I walked through the door of [rental agency] in Lakeview two weeks ago I should have noted the average age of the employees, but I figured that this job isn't that difficult. Show people apartments, make them fill out paperwork, relay paperwork to landlords, and other random clerical tasks. First of all, I didn't expect to be sitting in their office for 3 hours becuase they couldn't figure out how to fill out their own paperwork. I sat it out, hoping the next 10 minutes were going to be the last. They had to call in their secretary on her day off to make sure all the i's were dotted. One good thing about this was that she was showing off some major cleavage. The bad thing was that she didn't look at the checks I had written out. I filled out three checks: credit check fee, first months rent, security deposit. The next day I get a voice mail message from cleavage girl that my security deposit check was made out incorrectly. I had to drive back out to Lakeview on a Saturday morning to change checks. I really had no problem with this, usually having nothing to do on Saturday. I made sure the security deposit check was post dated for the 15th since I had originally negotiated the 15th as the day the security deposit was submitted. I called the landlord and everything was cool. She told me to give her a call a week before move-in date so we can do the preliminary walk through. Last weekend I check my bank balance and I start to panic because a large sum of money is missing. I did some research and found out the security deposit check was cashed on the 10th, rather than the previously agreed to date of the 15th. There's a reason I had to negotiate the security deposit, but that was obviously unimportant. It's acceptable to make a few small clerical errors every once in a while, but not when it involves large amounts of someone elses money. It's too late to call and complain because it's already the 15th and everything should be balancing itself out. [rental agency] did leave me a message on my answering machine but it was so garbled I could only make out one word: "the". So in case you plan on looking for an apartment in the near future, do not go to [rental agency] because who knows what types of mistakes they could make. I can't complain. They didn't charge me anything other than the credit check fee. I have a feeling if I go to their Lakeview office it will turn out to be an abandoned book store and [rental agency] was really some kind of magical enigma bent on teaching me some kind of moral lesson. posted @ 10:37 AM CST [link] [Karma: 7 (+/-)] Monday, February 14, 2005Juiceby: David My issue isn't that Jose Canseco came out and fingered a bunch of Hall Of Fame caliber players. No, if someone is going to come out and tell the world who juiced and who didn't juice, it doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that Jose Canseco is probably going to be known as a savior of professional baseball. posted @ 11:38 AM CST [link] [Karma: 4 (+/-)] Friday, February 11, 2005Recommended Readingby: David I love Dr. Frank. And I mean that in a completely platonic i-don't-know-him-personally non-stalker kind of way. The last week of blogs were just pure entertainment. posted @ 02:21 PM CST [link] [Karma: -6 (+/-)] |
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