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03/11/2005: "It happened again"

I was sitting in a bathroom stall at work.

It was the middle stall, so I was flanked by two other toilets. On the right side, the toliet was being used. The user of the stall next to me flushes. I hear a gentle gurgling and a trickle of water onto the tiles. Suddenly, what can only be described as a flood of shit-water made its way under the divider and was rapidly approaching my shoes.

I say 'rapidly' because even a slow-moving puddle of shitty water seems like a flash flood when you think about the muck and bacteria suspended in it. Luckily I was just about finished with my business, so I promptly held the legs of my pants up. I figured if shit water coated the soles of my shoes, it would be no different from walking along an average Chicago sidewalk. I finished up and pulled my pants up as the flood of ass-juice made its way across the stall and was slowly infiltrating the next one. The guy in the next stall was lucky. He had the drain. Unfortunately the flood had to cross my private space in order to get to it.

Here's a little bit of information on the work toilets. They have a mechanism where one wouldn't have to toggle a handle in order to flush. They have motion sensors that do the trick to avoid getting microscopic traces of fecal matter on your skin. Because these motion sensors have varying sensitivity, some toilets tend to courtesy flush multiple times. The clogged toilet was an example. The toilet flushed two more times as more shit water coated the restroom floor. I just hoped the guy in the other stall knew it wasn't me who made the mess.

After I washed my hands, out of curiosity I looked into the problem stall. I happened to glance upon what could only be scientifically described as a "huge fucking turd". I could only wonder what kind of rubber asshole could have accomodated this.

But I knew my crap science. Mookie sticks tend to absorb water if left in the toilet too long, days or weeks, and can expand to unbelievably large proportions. Then again, I doubt this guy was sitting on the toilet for days or weeks unless he was reading a really good book.

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